by Sharon Witt     Despite what you may fear as a parent, you won’t simply tuck your child into bed one evening, only to find the very next morning they stumble into the kitchen having clearly morphed into a fully grown teenager, mumbling incoherently. Thank goodness the changes in adolescents are somewhat gradual, which gives us parents time to prepare as best as we can, adapt and adjust to the imminent changes.

I must admit my frustration as my first child was on the cusp of entering his teen years when well meaning people would comment: ‘Just wait until he’s a teenager! You won’t know what hit you!‘

Why is it that well meaning people feel the need to put a pre-emptive negative spin on having a teenager? Sure, there will be change, but it is one you can prepare for in many ways. So keep a positive mindset about having a teenager.

I must admit to a sense of initial relief when my firstborn became a teenager. For he is no longer our baby, but entering the significant years of development leading up to adulthood.

Keep the mud out of your parenting

For some parents, they can make the mistake of believing it is better to develop more of a friendship-based relationship during the teen years. Whilst we are indeed friendly with our children, our role is not to be their friends! Our role, first and foremost, is that of parent — the person in our teen’s life that provides boundaries, guidance, advice and care. We cannot muddy the boundaries here between parent and child.

I’m not suggesting here for a minute that you will not hang out with your teen, like friends often do. I have a great time with my teen. I don’t, however, see my role as his friend. He has his friends and I am his parent.

Of the thousands of teens I’ve worked with over the past two decades, one of the significant issues raised time and time again is the relationship they have with their parents. Some teenagers seem to navigate the relationship with their parents throughout adolescence, relatively event-free. But for some, the battleground can be set for some serious conflicts. Research indicates that adolescent girls are more likely to engage in highly reactive behaviours and outbursts — quite often with their mothers! As they cope with myriad changes to their bodies, friendship issues and violent mood swings, it is often the mother who cops the brunt of a daughter’s confusion and frustration. I speak from experience here!

Bear in mind that your child will be contending with significant changes to their bodies, navigating the often stressful years of high school and relationship changes. Not to mention them finding out who they are and their place in the world!

Many children often feel a sense of being out of control. The person that most often bares the brunt of their angst is you, their parents!

Have you ever had your child’s teacher tell you that young Jenny or Johnny is incredibly pleasant and well behaved in class — a delight to teach? Then you think of the real child you see at home? Matching up? Anything like the child who only grunts remotely responses at home and flies into fits of rage at the simple request to clean a room? In a safe and secure home base, your child feels the freedom and security to release feelings of angst, knowing that Jenny or Johnny will continue to have your love.

At school, I was a model student. I never got into trouble, and although never at the top of my class, worked reasonably well and had solid friendships. Yet in the confines of my home I was known to hurl missiles in the form of my Year 11 Maths book at my mother. Her crime? Simply asking how my homework was going! I would spit abuse at those closest to me — my parents — never really knowing where all that anger and vileness came from.

This is common, seriously! I have had many, many conversations with teenagers over the years where they would express concern and grief over their angry outbursts at home, and come to school full of regret and confusion as to why they reacted that way in front of their parents.

Remember, it is a stressful time for your child and you need to be alert, not alarmed, for the times they might overreact or you sense they are not totally in control. Whilst your child certainly needs to be held accountable for their behaviour, try to remain as calm as possible when they do flip out. Over-reacting will only serve to add fuel to the fire!!

Sometimes, lack of sleep and an overactive, busy schedule has seen many a teen ‘throw a wobbly’. As parents, we can only do our best to remain the calm one and provide a safe place for this to happen.

Tips for Blowups

• Take 5! Remove yourself from the situation and go for a walk!
• Be mindful of not saying things you’ll regret later
• Don’t make threats! (You’ll most likely change your mind anyway!)
• Abstain from beginning a battle of the wills. No one will win when you are both angry and frustrated!
• When things have calmed down, give your teenager a chance to speak
• Don’t back down from your core values!

And don’t forget, it is very important to keep the lines of communication open.  Instil in your child the assurance that there is absolutely, categorically NOTHING — I repeat nothing — that he/she cannot discuss with you. I remind the teenagers I work with constantly of this fact — that there is nothing that is so bad that cannot be confided in a trusted adult or parent. And I let them know that there is nothing we will be shocked by and there is always a solution that we can find, together.

About the author:

Sharon Witt is a dynamic educator, author and speaker and has worked with thousands of young people across Australia.  She has been a secondary teacher for over eighteen years, and has authored six books for young people including the best-selling 'Teen Talk' series.  Link: Teen Talk International

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