by Dr. Janet Hall     Even though fights are normal in families, what can parents do about them? Fights may be useful, but they are not usually comfortable. And handling fights can be very uncomfortable for the parent. This is typically because parents do not get formal training in fight control or in the major principles of learning.

Parents need to learn how to use these principles to prevent fights, manage fights and teach their children how to resolve conflict rapidly!  Parenting may be the hardest job we ever had to do, and the one we get no training in.

It may be helpful to first stop and analyse your family situation.  Have you copied your parenting style from your own parents?  Are you reacting to your children the same way your parents reacted to you?  Be conscious of whether your parenting approach is one you have chosen, or one that you are following without thinking.

Learning to apply the following  three learning principles will help you be the parent you want to be and will help in the quest for a fight-free family.

Three keys to how we learn

1 Copy (modelling)
 We learn by watching others and copying them.  If you learn how to resolve conflicts, you will demonstrate valuable skills that your children can pick up.

2 Cues (rules, instructions, routines)
 We learn by doing what we are told and getting into  good habits.  These habits  are consciously and unconsciously  (consistently) repeated and triggered off by signals, routines and agreements.  Children need to grasp the fundamental importance of keeping agreements if they are to become responsible adults.

3 Consequences
A behaviour that is rewarded will increase.  A behaviour that is punished will decrease.  A good reward is one that increases desired behaviour.

One of the key steps in resolving fights is to understand why they happen.  Fighting is in our nature.  We use it to assert our individuality and to get wheat we want.  There is a range of emotions involved in typical family fights:

Categorising fights

1 Assertive fights -  Not having needs met

2 Attention seeking -  Notice me

3 Defensive Reaction to an attack  - Can progress to become revenge   to `get back' at someone

4 Distractions and diversions - Get out of something

5 Environmental  - Overcrowded, unclear rules and/or routines

6 Evangelistic fights -  For a cause, something we believe in

7 Gain fights - In order to get/gain something

8 Game fights  - When people don't have a game with an achievable goal to play, they will
make up a game. The easiest and most fun game is the game of `let's get someone else' It's played like this: kids get the parents, kid brother gets kid sister, kid sister gets kid brother

9 Growing fights -  Developmental urges just because your growth hormones dictate it

10 Mental and physical stress - Sick, tired, to decrease anxiety

11 Power fights - To assert oneself, to test out and prove one's unique strength and/or wisdom
(can progress to become rebellion)

12 Status fights - To find one's place in the pecking order. This is an `at least' game, e.g. at
least I'm not as powerful/dumb, as my big/little brother/sister

13 Property/territory fights -   To protect what is perceived to be owned

14 Scapegoat fights -  I'm really mad at my teacher but  because I'm not allowed to fight him,
I'll thump my little sister.

15 Negative memory triggers -  An unconscious reaction to a past triggers upset

(See below for quiz: ‘Why Pick a Fight?’)

Sometimes fighting can just be a bad habit that has formed through repeated practice.  With better strategies for fight resolution, this habit can be minimised!  Use your three learning keys, and remember, communication is a crucial part of conflict resolution!

About the Author 

Dr. Janet Hall is a psychologist, hypnotherapist, sex therapist, author, professional speaker, trainer, and media consultant.  Jan consults regularly with print media and is a frequent guest on talk-back radio and current affairs shows.   Link: drjanethall

For more information, see more on Dr. Jan’s book:  Fight-free Families

QUICK QUIZ -  Why pick a fight?

See if you can classify the reasons for fights given below into the categories or types of fights given on the previous page.

1.   Frustrated at not having needs or expectations met  2. To stall for time 3.  Low frustration tolerance -  just can't stand it  4. Tired and sick  5. Lash back  6. React to perceived or real physical, verbal or non verbal behaviour of another  7. Hurt someone deliberately  8. Wanting something that someone else has and you're not allowed to have it  9. For revenge  10. To deliberately rebel  11. To test out your limits  12.  Angry at not having your needs met  13. To avoid something by creating a distraction  14.  To get someone else in trouble deliberately, in order to take the heat off yourself and blame someone else  15.  To get attention  16. To get excitement after being bored  17. To decrease anxiety  18. To get parents' love and attention  19.  Jealous of sibling's successes  20. Resentful of perceived unfairness - they think their sibling has more or better of something

ANSWERS: N.B. Some fights may fit more than one category

1. Assertive 2. Distract 3. Environmental 4. Mental/Physical 5. Defensive 6. Defensive 7. Can be any 8. Gain Fight 9. Defensive 10. Power 11. Power 12. Assertive 13. Distract 14. Distract 15. Attention 16. Game Fight 17. Mental/Physical 18. Assertive 19. Assertive 20. Defensive

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