by Dr Janet Hall, Clinical Psychologist     No matter how liberated you are, talking to your children about sex can be difficult. How much should you say, and when should you start? Many parents did not have easy conversations about sex with their parents, so they find it embarrassing trying to talk about sex to their kids.

For many adults, sex was always a taboo subject even though it is as natural as the birds and the bees. So if parents aren’t confident about talking about it, or if they don’t have a healthy sexual self esteem, they can struggle to tell their kids what sex is all about.

From periods, erections and why there is hair down there, professional educators seem to agree on early sex knowledge. Ideally, talking about sex should start when children are very young and be done in an easy and comfortable way so that sex is seen as a normal part of life.

The average age for the onset of puberty has been dropping about one year for each generation this century and average age for first menstrual period is 12.5 - this means some girls age 9 will have a period and these girls need special care and understanding to cope with this.

The need for earlier educational intervention is apparent. Explaining the hormonal changes of menses may sound like gobbledygook to most eight year olds but some girls as young as eight are getting their periods, and the G rating time slot is now surreptitiously imbrued with sexual content.

Common Questions

Q Is it best for mum to talk to girls and dad to talk to boys.

A Yes - same sex discussion is more appropriate because the boundaries are clear and the parent can be a model sharing own experiences as relevant. eg mother talks about how she got her period.

Q What about single parents? How should a single dad approach his 12-year-old daughter if he is unsure what his ex-partner has raised with her (some exes don't communicate)?

A A single Dad should enrol a trusted female adult to do the talk! The same goes for a single Mum and her son.

Q At what age should I talk to my kids about sex?

A As soon as they start asking you questions, start telling them. Most kids start asking simple questions from about the age of three, so you should be prepared to give them clear, honest answers.

One of the best things you can do is to go to the library and get books like Where Do I Come From and Bodies. These books are very cute, there are loads of pictures to look at and there is nothing quite like the power of something in writing. Sit down and go through the book with your child.

Q What do young children want to know?

A The most common questions you’ll hear will relate to sexual body parts and why boys and girls look different. You don’t need to go into great details or spell out every single aspect of sex - just answer the question they ask with total honesty, using reference books as a guide if you can.

Another common question is, Where do babies come from? If your child asks this, say, Let’s go and get some books from the library and find out.

Q How do I warn my young child about sexual abuse without scaring him or her?

The careful talk about how private parts are special and the message that you don’t let others look or touch is important to bring up often! Parents should take advantage of TV ads and magazine pictures to make a comment.

For very young children, 'Everyone's got a bottom' is a 2007 book which is a collaboration between Family Planning Queensland ,writer Tess Rowley, illustrator Jodi Edwards and experts from the early childhood and child protection sectors.

Everyone's got a bottom is a story about Ben and his brother and sister learning and talking together about bodies. It is a tool for parents and carers to gently start a conversation with children about self protection. It's about children keeping safe in a style that is fun, positive and protective. The main message is that “We all have bodies and we all want to keep them safe”.

Q What do I do if I catch my child playing with themselves in public?

A Little kids explore their sexuality, they play with themselves and rub themselves on things and parents need to be able to address those things straight away. Tell your child that what they are doing is embarrassing to do in public, that it is something they should do alone.

I know a true story of a mother who saw her young child playing with herself. When the mother explained that it was something she should do alone, the little girl looked up and asked her to leave the room!

Q Should both parents talk to kids about sex?

A It would be great if both parents could talk to their kids, but unfortunately most men prefer to leave the job up to their wives.

If your husband won’t lend a hand, get yourself a copy of Let's Talk About Sex, from the Australian Council of Education. This book is a help guide for parents who wish to discuss sex with young children and teenagers.

Q What if my child feels uncomfortable talking about sex?

A Then don¹t push it. Introduce the subject when they are ready and when they are curious. Don¹t bombard them with information they¹re not ready to learn or have no concept of. But whenever they are ready, make sure you answer them completely honestly.

Q How will talking to my kids about sex help them?

A Knowledge is power and if you don't teach your kids about sex, someone else may take advantage of them and even abuse them.

Q Is it best to use the correct names for the various body parts?

A Hiding behind words like “willy" can be cute, but it’s best to teach them the real words, too. It makes kids feel more responsible for their own bodies to be told the truth. Start their sexual esteem off from a young age so they don't grow up thinking their body parts are bad or distasteful.

Q Where and when is the best place to talk to my kids about sex?

A One of the best places is while you are in a car because you have a trapped audience. If you want to approach a subject, try telling a story about someone you knew, so your child doesn,t feel he/she is being lectured.

Another great place to talk to kids about sex is at the zoo or on a farm. If you see the animals doing it, you can say to you child, “Those animals are having sex, that is what they do so they can make baby animals.’ Tell them this is perfectly normal then see if your child has a question.

Q How can I stop my child being exposed to sex on TV?

A Television has a lot of sexual content these days and it is hard to protect your kids. Even The Simpsons has screened programs with sexual content in them. Parents need to be aware about what their kids are watching. If they have access to the internet, ensure you have a nanny net system that stops them coming into contact with unwanted sexual material.

Q SHOULD we allow our children to research the subject on the internet and/or through books, or should it be done with their parents?

A It should be done with parents under supervision.

Q ARE today's kids learning more from their friends and the internet than we did in the 1970s and 80s? Is that a good or bad thing?

A Yes and it's good and bad. Good is - Knowledge is power - is better than ignorance! Bad is that the internet can be too “full on” and young kids are seeing inappropriate porn that we would never have seen and becoming de-sensitised to it.

Teens and Pregnancy

Alarmingly, there is no funding for sex education, yet Australia has one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates and abortion rates in the developed world. For the first time in history, more abortions are now taking place than actual births amongst teenagers in Australia. Approximately 100,000 abortions are performed each year with tax payers money. Approximately ¼ are teenagers. The Federal Government will fund approximately 25,000 teenage mothers to abort their babies but don’t put money into sex education to prevent the abortions in the first place!

STI’s like Chlamydia are increasing amongst teenagers at a rate of 20-25% per year. Condom use amongst teenagers is decreasing. Condom failure rate is still high amongst teenagers as they have poor knowledge/experience on how to use them.

Things to remember

• Sex education should be started early, answering genuine questions clearly and simply.
• It is important not to overload kids with too much information all at once.
• Girls reach puberty between 10 and 13 years, while boys reach puberty between 10 and a half and 15 years.
• How early or late a child develops may follow a family pattern, but if you have any concerns about your child¹s sexual development, talk to your paediatrician
• Masturbation is normal, healthy and usually innocent in children
• Families who are open in communication and free from sexual hang-ups produce children who develop the most appropriate adult attitudes

More Information

For more information on dealing with your kids and sex, contact your Family Planning Centres, GPs or Infant Welfare Centres.

For under 5s:
Peter Mayle’s titles Where do I come from? and What’s happening to me?

For 5-10
A Victorian government website Better Health discusses how to talk about sex, with suggestions on age related puberty based topics and discussing the biology of sex and reproduction. The Hormone Factory website is fun as well as informative. South Australia has its own Children’s Youth and Women’s Health Services site and is a starting point to Talk About Sex with Teens.

For Teens
The following delve much further into sexual issues with content including homosexuality, sexual emotionality, safe sexual health and common misconceptions and myths.
Puberty Book (Wendy Davill &Kelsey Powell)
Unzipped (Bronwyn Donagh.)
Sex Lives of Australian Teenagers, (Joan Sauer)
Sex-Wise:What Every Parent and Teenager Needs to Learn About Sex (Dr Janet Hall)

About the author:

Dr. Janet Hall is a psychologist, hypnotherapist, sex therapist, author, professional speaker, trainer, and media consultant.  Jan consults regularly with print media and is a frequent guest on talk-back radio and current affairs shows.   Link: drjanethall

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