with Nelly Thomas     Most parents squirm at the idea of having ‘the talk’ with their children.  Many of us will entirely avoid this uncomfortable task, and justify it by telling ourselves that kids learn what they need during school classes.  Many of us will decide to do it but wouldn’t know how to approach it, or when.

Nelly Thomas, host of a new DVD which talks to kids and parents about sex and relationships, tells us why it is so important to have ‘the talk’, and how to get the conversation started.

Nelly Thomas is a comedian who, for a number of years has worked in the community and government sectors as a highly sought-after performer and producer, specialising in health promotion.  Though Nelly is not a health expert, she has worked with experts to create her critically acclaimed DVD.  Nelly helps us with answers to some tricky questions:

Why it is important for families to talk to teens about sexual health?

NT: Because it is a health issue that affects everyone and has life-long consequences. Unwanted teen pregnancies have serious consequences, as do STI’s. Some STI’s can’t be treated, many have critical health implications and at least one can kill you.

The effects of negative sexual experiences such as unwanted or pressured sex and sexual assault are also often lifelong and very serious. It is important that families talk to their kids about how they should be treated in sexual situations, how they should treat others and who it is ok and not ok to be sexual with. Kindness, consent, respect, ethics.

Even though it might seem like they’re not listening, it is clear that families are the biggest influence over kids and therefore they have an important role to play in encouraging safe sex and respectful relationships.

Please note that you cannot rely on your kids’ school to do this! Some schools don’t even offer sex-ed, some do it poorly and many don’t cover the relationships angle. Families need to get involved.

What are some of the problems/ questions teens face today?

NT: They face the same problems all previous generations have faced. There have always been consequences for unsafe sex. STI’s date back to ancient times and unwanted pregnancy has always been a difficult issue, especially for young women. I think the differences are exaggerated (between this and other generations) but two real differences stand out:

1. pervasiveness of sexual images and pressure via the media

2. access to pornography that is often demeaning and aggressive

I don’t think you can ban either – like sex, they’ll ultimately decide for themselves – but you can talk to them about it all and work through the issues.

What is the best age to start this discussion?

NT: Ideally you’d start from birth by using correct anatomical terms (vagina is not a swear word!). Then you answer questions honestly as they’re asked at any age (including answering “I don’t know” and then finding out) and address issues as they arise (if you see something on the telly or elsewhere).

Then as they approach high school or begin high school you get into a more in-depth, more mature conversation that specifically covers all the issues – especially consent and safe sex (condoms, condoms, condoms).

How can we approach our children in an age-appropriate way?

NT: From what the experts say (I am not a health expert!), see above. Your language will be different and different ages, but they will ask and you can answer at any age. If you’re not sure, tell them you’re not sure and will answer later. Then go away, think about it, get advice and go back to them with the answer.

What do we do if there is resistance to ‘the talk?

NT: Persist and ask why. Maybe you’re not as comfortable with the subject as you’d like to be and they’re picking up on it. Maybe you’re using words and concepts they don’t understand. Maybe having another adult step in or at least be present (a trusted aunty or uncle for example) might work better.

It’s never too late, but it seems that the younger you start, the less likely you are to encounter resistance. The main thing is that they know they can always come to you and ask for help and ask questions – they’ll hear that even if they are rolling their eyes!

What was the reason for the creation of the dvd / your interest in this topic?

NT: I was asked a number of years ago to design a show for the Royal Women’s Hospital in Melbourne to use for their sex-ed for teenagers. They were worried that their sex-ed was boring and the kids weren’t engaging. I’ve been touring those shows for many years and often come across parents who know they need to have the talk, but don’t know how. I made the DVD to help them: it’s funny (and engaging) but also covers all the health info correctly, so it’s simple: watch it and then talk about it.

About ‘The Talk’

‘The Talk’ DVD features a mixture of humorous and entertaining sketches, songs, celebrity interviews and comedy, as well as interviews with health and other experts from relevant fields.  ‘The Talk’ covers off on the physical aspects of sex: the nuts and bolts of anatomy and sexual health; but importantly, it also addresses the emotional aspects of sex.  ‘The Talk’ has been created and written by Nelly Thomas and produced in consultation with the Melbourne Sexual Health Centre and the Centre Against Sexual Assault at the Royal Women’s Hospital.

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