by Louise Kadayer, Verbal Behaviour Consultants     When we speak of parents being pro-active, most parents may sigh and wonder how can they possibly manage to be pro-active when so much time is spent being reactive! Parents are under huge demands and often being reactive is the most natural way to deal with our children’s behaviour. 

Often parents are put in the position of having to discipline, deal with squabbles between siblings and handle whatever behaviour challenges come up after the problem has occurred.  Proactive parenting involves creating an environment where problems are prevented before they even come into existence. This does not mean that inappropriate behaviour will not occur, but that we can attempt to deal with things before they arise!

It is extremely important to note the role of reinforcement in maintaining a behaviour. Reinforcement increases the future likelihood that a particular behaviour will occur. Therefore if a behaviour, good or bad, continues it IS being reinforced.

For example, if your child cleans up her room and you offer praise, and her frequency of cleaning up her room is maintained, you know that you are reinforcing the cleaning up behaviour and that praise is reinforcing to her.

Or, if each time you ask your child to clean up her room she refuses more and more vehemently, and you keep cleaning  up for her, you know that you are reinforcing her undesirable behaviour by letting her escape cleaning.

It is also important to note the role of punishment in decreasing a behaviour. A punisher decreases the future likelihood that a particular behaviour will occur. It does not mean that the consequence is a horrible one!

Consider that if when your child refuses when asked to clean up and you ignore the behaviour and prompt them to tidy up and the inappropriate behaviour begins to decrease over time, you know that you have put the behaviour on extinction by not rewarding the refusal.

So, reinforcement increases the future frequency of a behaviour (whether that behaviour is desirable or not) and punishment decreases it..

It is also important to note the role of punishment in decreasing a behaviour. A punisher decreases the future likelihood that a particular behaviour will occur. Consider that if when your child throws a tantrum when asked to clean up and you ignore the behaviour and prompt them to tidy up and the tantrums begin to decrease over time, you know that you have put the behaviour on extinction by not rewarding the tantrum.

It can be very difficult to determine the reinforcing properties that are maintaining a behaviour as you must determine the function of the behaviour. A qualified Behaviour Analyst like those at NETwork Interventions, are trained to take data and implement programming to decrease inappropriate behaviours and increase appropriate ones.

One of the most important aspects of parenting is to “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you said you were going to do”. We have all heard this saying before, yet often it is so difficult to put into practice. However, it is extremely important to do this with our children! This all comes under the umbrella of communication. It is important to be clear in our directions and be specific and explicit about what we expect of them. When we ask something, we need to follow through with it. When we say that there will be consequences for certain actions, we must follow through with those consequences. These guidelines follow the principles of many years of research into Behavioural* processes and learning.

Consistency is key

It is important to be consistent with our children. Children require predictable routines and the knowledge that certain behaviour has certain consequences.

For example, if we ask our child to go and get their bag, we should expect them to follow through and prompt them if necessary to succeed in it. They need to know rules and boundaries. Imagine taking part in a sports game if there were no clearly laid out rules and boundaries- it would be so frustrating and confusing.

Children need to feel secure and these boundaries provide this sense of security. It is so important to communicate to our children what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. We can be specific about this, as we know, the details are important! Having standards for acceptable behaviour means that we must be willing to follow through with our instructions and reward our child when he or she does comply. Our children will learn that there are consequences and/or removal of enjoyable things for unacceptable behaviour, and rewards for acceptable behaviour. Most children love to be praised, encouraged and openly rewarded.

We are our children’s first experience of how society works, and by providing clear boundaries, our children will begin to experience what they will come to learn about living in society. Most of all, children need quality love, time and affection. When we show our child that we love them unconditionally, there is a strong sense of security.

Children have what I like to call, ‘love tanks’ and we need to ensure that we are not just responding reactively, but that we are pro-active in demonstrating our care and love to them.

About the Author:  

Louise Kadayer is a the founder of Verbal Behaviour Consultants, and has nearly ten years of experience in providing Verbal Behaviour intervention services to children, teenagers and adults.  VBC is dedicated to helping learners and their families achieve their maximum potential through tailor-made and in depth behavioural therapy programmes. Focusing on developing language skills, VBC offers a safe haven for parents and children suffering from a range of developmental disorders.  Based in the UK and Australia. *For further information about Behaviour Therapy and how the Behavioural approach, please see:  Verbal Behaviour Consultants

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