by Dr. Michele Borba     Tolerance is a powerful virtue that helps curtail hatred, bullying, violence, and bigotry while at the same time influencing us to treat others with kindness, respect, and understanding.

While tolerance doesn’t call upon us to suspend moral judgment, it does require us to respect differences. This virtue is what helps our children recognize that all persons deserve to be treated with dignity, justice and respect even if we happen to disagree with some of their beliefs or behaviors. And it is a critical component of moral intelligence that we must build in our children.

Intolerance can be demonstrated in many ways-verbally, physically, or in combination-but in every case the perpetrator displays cold-hearted disrespect for his victims targeting their race, ethnicity, age, religion, disability, beliefs, gender, appearance, behavior or sexual orientation. Whatever method the perpetrator uses, act of intolerance always cause the victim pain.

Confront your own prejudices

The first step to nurturing tolerance is to examine your own prejudices and reflect on how you might be projecting those ideas to your child. Chances are that you are communicating those attitudes to your child. You might begin by reflecting on your own childhood upbringing: What were some of your parents’ prejudices? Do any of those remain with you today? Take time to reflect on how you might be projecting those old, outdated ideas to your child. Then make a conscious attempt to temper them so that they don’t become your child’s prejudices. Sometimes you might not even know you are tainting your children’s views.

Commit to raising a tolerant child

Parents who think through how they want their kids to turn out usually succeed simply because they planned their parenting efforts. So if you really want your child to respect diversity, you must adopt a conviction early on to raise him to do so. Once your child knows your expectations, he will be more likely to embrace your principles.

Help your child develop identify and pride in his culture

The starting place to help children understand diversity is for them to look at their own ancestry. The family is where children not only receive experience a sense of belonging but also acquire their primary language, their knowledge of their ethnicity, their spiritual or religious beliefs, and their values. It is through this membership that kids define their identity and develop pride in their cultural heritage.

Learning about their family background helps children connect with their past and develop an appreciation and respect for not only their own national and ethnic background but also for those of their friends and classmates.

As Barbara Mathias and Mary Ann French, authors of 40 Ways to Raise a Nonracist Child, explain: “Once your child has a solid sense of self and pride in her own people, it will be easier for her to find joy in the differences of others.”

So help your child understand his heritage and as well as begin to appreciate just how much the world is a melting pot of different customs and ideas.

Refuse to allow discriminatory comments

When you hear prejudicial comments, verbalize your displeasure. How you respond sends a clear message to your child about your values: “That’s disrespectful and I won’t allow such things to be said in my house,” or “That’s a biased comment, and I don’t want to hear it.” Your child needs to hear your discomfort so that she knows you really walk your talk. It also models a response she should imitate if prejudicial comments are made in her presence.

Embrace diversity

From a young age, expose your child to positive images-including toys, music, literature, videos, public role models, and examples from TV or newspaper reports-that represent a variety of ethnic groups. Encourage your child, no matter how young, to have contact with individuals of different races, religions, cultures, genders, abilities, and beliefs. The more your child sees how you embrace diversity, the more prone he’ll be to follow your standards.

Expose your child early to a variety of multicultural literature that features positive images of all cultures and genders. It is one way to increase tolerance as well as reduce or prevent prejudice.

Emphasize similarities

Encourage your child to look for what he has in common with others instead of how he is different.  Any time your child points out how she is different from someone, you might say. “There are lots of ways you are different from other people. Now let’s try to think of ways you are the same.”

Help your child see how similarities outweigh differences. Encourage your child to look for what he has in common with others instead of how he is different.

Give straightforward, simple answers to questions about differences

Kids are naturally curious, so you should expect questions about differences. Asking questions is one way for them to sort out how they are different or the same from others as well as to learn to feel comfortable with those differences.

Beverly Daniel Tatum, author of “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” stresses the importance of answering children’s questions simply and honestly even though some issues may seem embarrassing or even taboo. How you respond can either create stereotypes or prevent from forming.

For very young kids, usually a one-or two-sentence answer is enough.

Counter discriminatory beliefs

When you hear a child make a prejudicial comment, listen to find out why he feels the way he does. Then gently challenge his views and point out why they are incorrect. For example if your child says, “Homeless people should get jobs and sleep in their own houses.” You might counter: “There are many reasons homeless people don’t work or have houses. They may be ill or can’t find jobs. Houses cost money, and not everyone can pay for one.”

Live your life as an example of tolerance

The best way for your child to learn tolerance is for him to watch and listen to your daily example. So ask yourself each day one critical question: “If my child had only my behaviour to copy, would he be witnessing an example of what I want him to emulate?” Make sure you are walking your talk.

The best secret to teaching kids tolerance is not throughout lectures but through our example. So be a living textbook of tolerance for your child and for all other children. It’s also the best way we have to create a peaceful world for our children.

International Day of Tolerance - November 16!

Adapted from Dr. Borba's book... 'Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids To Do the Right Thing' ... Click here!

About the author:

Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally renowned educator and award-winning author who is recognized for her practical, solution-based strategies to strengthen child’s behavior, self-esteem, character, and social development, and to build strong families. She is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing and The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. For more information about her work see www.micheleborba.com

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