by Helen Davidson     At this time of year many children – and their parents - will have not only a new school year to look forward to but also perhaps starting at a new school.  Maybe the family have moved neighbourhoods, states or even country and so in December it was ‘Goodbye’ to old classmates, well known corridors and familiarity with the school rules, and now it’s an excited but possibly tentative ‘Hello’ to a bunch of new names and faces, school rules and finding their way around. 

For most children, one of their biggest concerns about moving to a new school is the social side – making new friends and becoming part of a new group. ‘Who will I play with?’; ‘What if no-one is friendly to me?’; ‘What if the kids are mean?’ are all thoughts that can stir up anxiety about taking this step.   But like all situations that can result in worry, the frequency and intensity of it can vary enormously. Some children will sail through the experience, others may be a little out of sorts for the first couple of weeks, and others may appear progressively more snitchy and tense as the days slip by towards the inevitable ‘First Day At The New School’.

So what are some ways that parents can ease the transition – regardless of whether it’s a little bit of worry or a big bit of worry.

Empathize...

Try to step into their shoes –reflect back on your own experiences of starting something new which involved meeting a lot of new people.  If that wasn’t moving schools, what about workplaces – starting a new job or joining a new club?  Recall what your feelings were about that.  Were you anxious?  If so, how did you experience that tension – in your stomach, head or lots of thoughts that started with ‘What if……………..’

Listen...

Make time to sit down with your child and give them your full attention.  If you’ve noticed their mood has been different, take a curious -rather than a critical - approach.  Say something like: “I’ve been noticing that you seem a little more uptight/quieter/grumpier than usual.  I know that can happen when kids (and adults) are feeling worried about something.  I’m wondering if it could have something to do with starting at the new school?”  Let them respond without interrupting or challenging their thoughts.  Keep calm and don’t have a knee-jerk reaction to their comments – even if you think they are way over the top.  Look calm – even if you’re not feeling it.

Even if the child does not appear to be overly worried, still take the time to ask them about how they think they will fare in a new classroom and playground.

Reflect...

Rather than disagreeing or agreeing with whether the child’s anxiety is irrational or not, don’t take a position on what they are saying.  The next step is to reflect back the emotion that you think the child could be experiencing. This shows that 1) you’re interested 2) you were listening 3) you’re taking them seriously.

Reflective listening doesn’t try to solve other’s problems, but rather helps to clarify what the other person is feeling.  It communicates that the parent is trying to understand and isn’t presuming that they are fully aware of the child’s feelings. 

An example of reflective listening is:  ‘When you talk about what it’s going to be like on the playground, you sound like you’re hoping you won’t be left out, and when you think about being left out, you get worried and a bit nervous?’  Or, ‘Sounds like mostly you’re pretty excited about the new school, but every so often, you start thinking: ‘I sure hope those other kids are friendly and invite me into their games?’  and that’s when you feel a bit nervous.

Connect...

Think back to step 1. – Empathize - and share your own experiences of starting at new places/events – especially when you were the same age as your child currently is.  Then talk about what has changed as you’ve got older.  Is it easier or harder to meet new people, start new jobs, join a new club?

Problem-solve...

You can’t completely solve and take away the child’s worry - if it’s there – but you can use your reflective listening to lead into collaborative problem solving with your child - where you  both toss ideas around.  If you’ve listened, reflected and empathized, your child is more likely to volunteer solutions, and also listen to any that you may  have.   Because ultimately we can’t take our children’s problems away from them, but we can teach them  how to deal with difficulties.
 
Start the problem-solving with a comment such as: “Sounds like you know quite a bit about how you’re feeling.  What do you think helps when you’re feeling a bit nervous about something that’s going to happen?
          
That question puts the responsibility for finding a solution back with the child – with your assistance and it also validates that it’s OK to feel anxious about  this situation.

Ten Practical Ideas and Solutions

Apart from those 5 steps which help deal with the anxiety - if present - there are also some practical ideas that can help ease the transition:

1.  If you are moving neighbourhoods visit the closest local park to the new school before the first day.  If possible, plan a longer park visit on a weekend – perhaps with a picnic.  Children who attend the school may also be there playing.

2.  Visit the new school on the weekend when no children are present; take a walk around to familiarize the way to get from classroom to playground.

3.  Encourage your child to learn a new playground game which they can teach to their new playground friends.  Spend some time researching children’s games with your child and let the child explain the rules of the game to increase their confidence in teaching others.

4.  Practise having a conversation with your child where you ask them about their old school and why they have come to a new one.  Coach them in telling some interesting facts about their previous school, for example;
“My old school was 100 years old and last year we had a big birthday party; it was lots of fun”.  Swap roles and have your child pretend to be a child at the new school and you play the role of your child responding.

5. Encourage your child to learn some new jokes or riddles to tell his new classmates.

6.  Ask your child the names of 2 of his classmates each day together with
a brief description of that child – where they sit in the class, who they are friends with, what seem to be their special talents etc.

7. Encourage inviting one or two children home for an after-school play or a weekend visit.  Sometimes children may prefer to have a couple of children come, rather than acting as host to one.  Make the initial visit a relatively short one – 2 hours or so – or suggest that you do something as a family together if that eases the situation for the child.

8.  At the end of the first week, write a list with the child of ‘The Things I Liked Best About My New School’; ‘Those I Found A Bit Strange’ and ‘Those I Think I Can Get Used To’.

9.  Keep a journal of the first two weeks.

10. Don’t forget to keep in contact with friends from the previous school - encourage your child to see the benefits of belonging to two communities.

About the author:

Helen Davidson is a child therapist with over 25 years experience in assisting children and their families to overcome all forms of emotional and behavioural problems. Helen is the author of ‘The 4th ‘R’- Relationships, As Important as Reading, Writing and Arithmetic and can be contacted at www.kidzmix.com

The 4th 'R' - Relationships

The 4th ‘R’ - Relationships is a fun and practical self-help book for both adults and children...

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