Kids and Relationships: To Tease or Not to Tease

by Helen Davidson, Kidzmix It’s no secret that in recent years bullying has received a lot of publicity for not only the psychological damage that it causes victims, but also at times its lethal outcomes - coining the new term ‘bullycide’ - referring to those who have taken their lives as a direct result of usually years of harassment, bullying and intimidation.

As a result, a whole new industry of preventative educational programs and resources have developed to address bullying – and that can only be a good thing.

However another outcome of this focus has been that ‘bullying’ is often linked with ‘teasing’ which implies that they are similar behaviours, that is, with the purposeful intent of causing misery and distress to another person. Although this may sometimes be the intent of the teaser, it is equally true that teasing can be a very normal part of playful interchanges between both adults and children and sometimes may even be a way of establishing a connection with someone, or as a sign of endearment and special affection for the person who is being teased.

So therefore if we link bullying and teasing together, are we in danger of turning out humourless, rather prickly children who react adversely to any personal comment that does not involve praise or admiration? In other words, people who display the opposite of psychological resilience – a sensitivity that makes them ill equipped to handle the playful trading of personal banter that in reality occurs a lot more often in children’s play – than actual physical bullying.

The answer I believe lies in helping children to understand not only the difference between teasing and bullying, but also between the various types of teasing – and how it affects them personally – and that means having conversations about teasing and exploring your child’s beliefs and reactions to it.

Here are some practical tips to assist parents.

1. Start with a conversation about teasing

2. Talk about the teasing that you experienced as a child and how you used to respond

3. Compare that to the teasing you currently experience as an adult – from whom; ways you now respond and whether it’s different from when you were a child

4. Explore the teasing that the child receives – and whether it is experienced as mildly amusing, very funny or somewhat bland with no emotional reaction,

5. Then ask about the opposite sort of teasing – that which is humiliating, embarrassing or emotionally distressing

6. Name the amusing teasing as ‘Cool’ and the distressing as ‘Cruel’ so that you have a very concise language to describe the two types

7. Do some role plays of the Cool Teasing scenarios to identify the responses that the child gives

8. Put yourself in the role of the child and let the child be the Cool Teaser so that you can model different responses

9. Write down the responses and practise them with other members of the family

10. Vote for the quickest, funniest or most effective responses

11. Make a video of the Cool Teasing roleplays

12. Suggest the child keeps a diary of how many Cool Teasing responses they gave in a week, a fortnight or a month and award them the title of “Champion of Handling Cool Teasing”

Once the child is confident with doing Cool Teasing role plays you’re ready to launch into exploring Cruel Teasing.

Read more about responding to Cool and Cruel Teasing in next month’s newsletter when we discuss ‘The Triple AAA’s’.

In her book ‘The 4th ‘R’- Relationships’ As Important as Reading, Writing and Arithmetic, Helen explores practical ways that parents can assist children to not only respond to bullying and teasing but to successfully build the 13 core social and emotional skills needed to navigate the playground and peer relationships.

User login

Kids and Relationships: To Tease or Not to Tease

Search