by Helen Davidson     In the last article of this series, we looked at the different forms that teasing can take, and questioned the merits of always grouping it with ‘bullying’ as being an example of abusive behaviour. The concept of ‘Cool Teasing’ was introduced; that is, when someone is attempting to have fun or may perhaps draw attention to a personal quality as a sign of endearment towards that person.  In Cool Teasing the person who has made the comment does not wish to hurt or embarrass the other person.

The opposite of Cool Teasing is ‘Cruel Teasing’, where the intent is purely to embarrass or hurt someone.  The teaser is aware that the person they are teasing does not like their comments, but they persist with the sole aim of causing distress. This is clearly bullying and requires a different sort of response than that for Cool Teasing.

Discuss with your child the concept of Cool and Cruel Teasing, and help them to work out what they personally consider to be examples of both.  Observe their interactions with friends and siblings and highlight examples that you saw occurring.  Emphasize that what one person may consider Cruel Teasing,  for example, being called ‘Freckle Face’, someone else may view as ‘having a joke’.   Here are some tips to help you coach your child in responding to both Cool and Cruel Teasing:

1. Introduce the use of humour to handle teasing, and emphasize that sometimes making a joke out of teasing can be more powerful than becoming indignant and assertive. 

2. Do some role plays with your child of teasing scenarios – starting with Cool Teasing, and progress to Cruel Teasing when they’ve gained in confidence.   Only use a real life example of what they consider to be Cruel Teasing with their permission.

3. Give examples of different verbal responses to use for teasing.  In my book ‘The 4th ‘R’- Relationships’ As Important as Reading, Writing and Arithmetic, I introduce ‘The Triple A’s’ – three different types of responses to use with both Cool and Cruel Teasing - that all start with ‘A’.

They are:

•  Agree
•  Ask a Question
•  Ask to Stop

Agree: 

This is essentially the child agreeing with whatever the teaser has said.  It is initially more successful to apply this to Cool Teasing.  Suggest a variety of different ways of saying ‘Yes’; for example “Yes, you’re right about that”; “Absolutely!”; “Yep, I think you’ve got it!” 

Ask a Question:

The child pretends that they are interested in the teaser’s comments and replies with a question such as: “Is that the first time you’ve noticed?”; “Didn’t you know that about me?”; “So I guess that means you’re glad you haven’t got them (freckles)?”

The child’s voice, tone and body language need to be relaxed for both of these types of responses, so that they impart a sense of confidence and neutrality, rather than outrage and indignation.  Practise in front of a mirror or video their body language. 

Remind the child that often if the very first instance of teasing is responded to in this low-key, relaxed manner, it will not escalate to becoming Cruel Teasing, as essentially, the child has not rewarded the teaser, but rather demonstrated the sort of attitude that frequently teased children fail to do.
 

Ask to Stop:

This is more applicable to teasing that the child is sick of or they consider to be Cruel Teasing.   The child’s tone of voice and general body language needs to be assertive, with good eye contact. Their responses should be short and to the point: “That’s nasty and unfair.  Leave me alone”. “Keep your comments to yourself; I’m not interested”;“Quit it and leave me alone!” 

Discourage the child from trying to have the last word and from answering any response the teaser makes. Instead role-play walking away and talk about what they will be saying to themselves to self-soothe. The child needs to appreciate that they are not trying to ‘win’ in this interaction with the teaser.

The fundamental message the child wants the teaser to understand is that their comments will not embarrass them; they’re not interested in having a discussion about it and they’ve got better ways to spend their time and energy than responding to teasing.

More practical tips and strategies about how to coaching children to develop social and emotional competence are available in Helen Davidson’s recently published book, The 4th ‘R’- Relationships, As Important as Reading, Writing and Arithmetic.

About the author:

Helen Davidson is a child therapist, parent coach and author of ‘The 4th ‘R’- Relationships, As Important as Reading, Writing and Arithmetic (available June 2011). Helen is the Creator of the Kidzmix Program, a social and emotional skills building program for primary school aged children. Helen is passionate about helping parents foster their child’s positive mental health through every day skill building.

This series of articles remains under copyright of Helen Davidson. Link: www.kidzmix.com

To see other articles in this series, click here.

About the book:

The 4th ‘R’ Relationships – As Important as Reading Writing and Arithmetic - is a self help book for parents and kids. It explores the 13 core social and emotional skills that help children develop psychological resilience, make and keep friends and be happy. Is there anything more important?

Find out more from Kidzmix.

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