by Helen Davidson, Kidzmix     The playground has lots of rules - most of them unstated - and it's easy to assume that your child is learning how to negotiate their way through the playground rules just because it is an experience they are dealing with every day. For many children this is the case, but regardless of their skill level, all children can benefit from some coaching about how to handle a variety of play situations, so that they are prepared with choices about how to respond.

Most children's games need more than one player, and so being included means either being invited to join in by others, or inviting yourself into a game, and of course the latter inevitably brings with it the possibility of receiving, "No, you can't play!" as an answer. What is important for parents (and children) to understand is that regardless of their popularity, all children will at some time receive this response to their request, and so it is important to normalize it as something that happens, rather than regarding it as a catastrophe or a personal insult.

There are 3 fundamental skills to teach your child about responding to a play refusal, and they involve the following:

• Body language
• Verbal response
• Mood management

Body Language

As in Skill 1 - How To Join In Games (see previous article in this series) - body language is the key to projecting an image of confidence, a lack of aggression and the ability to cope with the unfolding scenario. Standing tall with both feet firmly planted on the ground, shoulders back and chin up is a body stance that communicates the message: "I can deal with this (even if it's hard)". So practise doing that with your child; do it in front of the mirror; model it yourself or make a video and compare your efforts.

Verbal Response

A carefree or neutral response spoken confidently in a loud voice, also communicates strength and assertiveness, whereas an aggrieved and hostile one could lead to further refusals and teasing, and the child will gain a reputation of being 'prickly' and defensive. Do some role-plays with your child and practise a variety of responses such as:  

• "Too bad, that game looks fun. See you later."
• "If you change your mind, I'll be over there"
• "Let me know if that changes"
• "Have fun. Bye!"

And then remind them to walk away from the group using the same confident body language described above.

Mood Management

If a child has been refused entry to games a number of times, or if they feel embarrassed or aggrieved by the group's response - which of course, may not have been polite - managing their mood is going to be a challenge.

However, these scenarios are a perfect way to introduce your child to the importance of being able to 'self-soothe'; to calm themselves down when something upsetting has occurred. This uniquely human ability is one of the cornerstones of building psychological resilience and so capturing these moments to teach your child the principles of mood management is important. Follow these steps to start a dialogue about feelings, emotions and ways to manage them:

• Identify the feeling the child is experiencing. Rather than asking: "How did that make you feel?" instead say: "When someone won't let you join in a game, what sort of feelings do you have?"

• Suggest a range of emotions that the child might have experienced - sad, angry, disappointed, furious, embarrassed - or the opposite of these - calm, indifferent, relaxed

• Introduce the idea that how we think about a situation we have experienced will contribute to whether we see it as a disaster or a passing irritation. Explain the difference between thinking that can cause more distress, for example; 'Nobody ever lets me play; my life is horrible' to that which acknowledges the event was unpleasant, but keeps the situation in perspective, such as, 'They weren't very friendly, but I guess I can try to find someone else to play with'

• Brainstorm with your child the thoughts that help them to calm themselves when something difficult has occurred

• Write a list of these and practise reading them together daily, choosing 'a favourite' to use that week

Play refusals, therefore, whilst not pleasant, provide an important opportunity to develop skills such as mood management, bouncing back from difficulties, and using body language to project self-confidence. A parent's understanding of this will help the child to use the experience in a positive way, whilst also normalizing it as something that happens to everyone.

Other articles in this series: Kids and Relationships: How to Join In 

Reader question:  'Tell us your experiences with playground rejection!' ... comments section below.

About the author:

Helen Davidson is a child therapist, parent coach and author of ‘The 4th ‘R’- Relationships, As Important as Reading, Writing and Arithmetic (available June 2011). Helen is the Creator of the Kidzmix Program, a social and emotional skills building program for primary school aged children. Helen is passionate about helping parents foster their child’s positive mental health through every day skill building.

This series of articles remains under copyright of Helen Davidson. Link: www.kidzmix.com

About the book:

The 4th ‘R’ Relationships – As Important as Reading Writing and Arithmetic - is a self help book for parents and kids. It explores the 13 core social and emotional skills that help children develop psychological resilience, make and keep friends and be happy. Is there anything more important?  

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