by Helen Davidson, Kidzmix     School is not only about learning the 3 ‘R’s’ – reading, writing and arithmetic – it is also a new chapter in learning about that other ‘R’ – the 4th one -  ‘Relationships’; where the child steps outside the family into their largest community of new acquaintances to date, and without a family member there to guide and advise, the child will be interacting with many different personalities across a range of diverse interpersonal scenarios. 

It’s a big step - and the one that usually underlies a parent’s angst on seeing their child off to school for the first time.  It’s not really about whether the child will be successful in learning the 3 ‘R’s’; it’s whether they will be able to manage themselves in the realm of that 4th ‘R’- that arouses most anxiety.  Will others be kind; share and invite their child into play?  Will they know what to do if someone teases, bullies or leaves them out of games?  Will they be invited for after school plays and birthday parties?  Fundamentally, is my child going to have happy relationships?  And of course there is no parent alive who wants that answer to be in the negative.

So what, if anything, can a parent do to help the child deal with their school relationships?  Is it wisest to keep in the background and let the child ‘sort out’ their friendship difficulties when they arise?  And what about organizing play dates, sleepovers and out of school social events?  How much is too much? All reasonable concerns for any parent – particularly when it is your first child starting school – and you are as new to this scenario as is your child.

What is important to remind yourself is that like many things, having the knowledge and skills to negotiate a new stage or task, makes things flow more smoothly; it’s easier.   And making friends and forming new relationships is no different – it requires many different skills, and despite one’s ‘natural’ temperament or personality, those skills can be learned.

In this series of articles, we are going to be looking more closely at a number of those skills; what I call the ‘Proactive’ and the ‘Reactive’ interpersonal skills.  The Proactive skills are about approaching others; being ‘warm’ in manner and style; taking the initiative to connect with someone; being the first to say ‘Hello’; in other words using the skills that result in making the most of an opportunity to get to know someone.  The Reactive skills are about responding to difficult or aggressive behaviour from others: handling teasing (both fun ‘cool’ teasing and nasty ‘cruel’ teasing); being assertive with bullies; responding to out of control, excitable behaviour and dealing with play refusals.

So let’s start with the Proactive skills and a fundamental one that every child needs to know: How to Join In.   Following are 4 skills – both body language and verbal responses - that any child can be coached to learn.  You will see that the hints are written as though talking to the child, which can be read to the younger child or used as the basis for a discussion with an older child.

1.    Look Happy           

If you can choose between having someone in your game who looks serious or sad, or someone who looks happy, which person would you choose?  The happy one of course, because you think they will be more fun.  So if you put a smile on your dial, and look at the kids with your happy, ‘smiley’, eyes, there’s a better chance that they will say, “Sure, you can join in our game!”

That doesn’t mean you have to be feeling very, very, happy - like the happiest you’ve ever been in your whole life - and it also doesn’t mean that you’ve got to make your smile as wide as the road and flash your big white teeth.  Just a happy, normal kid sort of smile is perfect.

2. Use A Big Voice      

So they can hear you.  Not a shouting, angry sort of voice, but a ‘loud enough to hear because they might be making a lot of noise’ sort of voice, and if they still don’t hear you, ask again.  A little mouse voice sounds like you mightn’t be as much fun as someone who says in a big, happy voice, “Hey that looks great, can I join in please?”  It could also mean that you’re not really sure you want to play, and so just when the game is getting exciting you might say, “I don’t want to play this anymore.”  And then everyone is like, “How annoying!  That’s messed up the game!”  So, always ask with your big voice.

3. Stand Tall 

On your two feet, with your arms by your side, your shoulders back and your head up.  If you twist your shirt or hair, pull your fingers, or wobble on your legs you look scared.  Kids who are feeling scared mightn’t be as much fun as someone who looks brave and happy, so stand tall with a smile on your dial and pretend you’re feeling strong and brave, even if you’re not. Say to yourself, “I like playing games and I don’t break the rules.  I’m good in games.”   That’s called ‘Supa Thinkin’, and you’re going to learn lots and lots about it, so get ready.

4.    Ask different questions

So now that you’re looking brave and happy, ask a friendly question.  Most kids say, “Can I join in please?”  That’s very polite, but it’s a bit boring.  So try different questions like these:

•  “That looks fun, can I join in?”
•  “Have you got any room for me to play that game?”
•  “Need anyone else to play; it looks cool”
•  “When you’ve finished that round, can I join in?”
•  “Hey, can you teach me that game; I’d really like to play”

If they say, “Yes” then smile and say:

•  “Fantastic, thanks”
•  “Great, thanks”
•  “Hey, thanks, that’s cool”   
•  “Thanks, you can join in my games when you want”

Practise saying those with your family and then try them out at school.  Pick your favourite three to try out each week, and tell your parents or teacher what happened.

Other Articles in this series: Kids and Relationships: "No You Can't Play"

About the author:

Helen Davidson is a child therapist, parent coach and author of ‘The 4th ‘R’- Relationships, As Important as Reading, Writing and Arithmetic (available June 2011).  Helen is the Creator of the Kidzmix Program, a social and emotional skills building program for primary school aged children.  Helen is passionate about helping parents foster their child’s positive mental health through every day skill building.   

This series of articles remains under copyright of Helen Davidson.  Link:  www.kidzmix.com

About the book:

The 4th ‘R’ Relationships – As Important as Reading Writing and Arithmetic - is a self help book for parents and kids. It explores the 13 core social and emotional skills that help children develop psychological resilience, make and keep friends and be happy. Is there anything more important?  

Find out more from Kidzmix.

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