By Tahlia Mandie, Direction Exploring     Tahlia talks about setting boundaries, communication, and adapting to situations, and how we can find a 'parenting style' that suits the needs and values of our families.

Research suggests that the parenting style that you adapt is likely to have some impact on your child’s development.  Much of the research talks about a number of different parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, indulgent and neglectful. Variances include permissive and democratic.

To focus on these parenting style “templates” suggests that everyone should fit into a box. However, it is important to remember that every individual, parent and family is different. Being able to adapt to a variety of different situations and experiences is essential in giving your children clear boundaries, acknowledgment, reinforcement and education, irrespective of which “box” you fit into.

To expect every parent to have the same parenting style is like saying every parent should have the same values. This is simply not going to be the case. Every parent and family carries their own past experiences, value system, set of rules, lessons and education.  These experiences and templates are ultimately what create an individuals’ and couples parenting style.

Every child is different, and thus, to expect your friends and family to respond to situations and experiences the same as you is a little unrealistic. Although it is always helpful to get handy tips and tools from others, living by them as gospel may place you in a situation where you feel more pressure and possible inadequacy.  Being the “perfect” parent is not necessarily always the best way. If children did not have the ability to fall over and pick themselves up, they would not have the ability to form a sense of resiliency and emotional strength when faced with challenges.

Children need clear and consistent communication. Parents need to be consistent in their parenting to their children. Inconsistency may cause children to feel confused, uncertain and fearful in not knowing when they have done something wrong or not. Similarly, children need to be told reasons for certain actions and consequences. This helps them develop their understanding of boundaries, rules and acceptable behaviour, and similarly, helps them cope with challenging times in the future.

Children similarly need boundaries in order to know where their place is within the world, and similarly, to learn a sense of what is acceptable and what is not. If children “get away with anything” they are more likely to reject rules when they are teenagers, and thus, not have an understanding of how to cope when they do not get their own way.  

The important thing to remember is that there is no “one-size fits all” when it comes to parenting. Every family will bring their own strengths, qualities and values to their parenting to help their child’s development. When times may get tough and challenging, remember to focus on these qualities and values, while similarly, remembering the big picture. Your child’s development is a continuous journey, and similarly, your style will change and develop as your child develops. Being flexible with the evolving time is also just as important.

For extra information:

http://www.strongbonds.jss.org.au/reasons/style.htm
http://www.parentingstyles.co.uk/

About the author:

Tahlia Mandie is a psychotherapist, family counsellor and mum who runs her own private practice, Direction Exploring and now runs her own blog, The Parenting Files - because families matter. Discussing all things parenting and family matters to the serious stuff to the not so serious stuff, the parenting files is spoken with a little witt, quirk and humour. Tahlia also writes regular columns and articles for magazines, newspapers and other online forums.

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