by Tahlia Mandie, Direction Exploring     So the end of year has come again where we sit and wonder “where has the year gone?” So often we go with the punches, sit back, and continue doing what we always do. So often we dedicate time and energy to everyone else other than ourselves – attending to the children, house hold chores, daily and weekly routines.

I wonder what it would mean to ourselves, and others, if we dedicated similar energy to reflect our personal, career and relationship successes?

Parents often come to me with concerns, particularly with teenage children, that they are unmotivated and unfocused. They have concerns that they feel slumped and lethargic. I often remind parents that these feelings are quite common for all of us, not just teenagers, where we all feel a sense of being unmotivated and flat. When we feel this we often take some time to reflect and assess where we are and what we can do to move forward. In my opinion, I don’t think we do it enough.

Reflecting on our past challenges, failures and upheavals are vital in order to move forward. Sometimes our biggest challenges can be the very thing that moves us forward toward success. However, we have a choice to reflect or surrender – to sit back or take action. As parents, we can help our teens feel a greater sense of confidence and motivation by encouraging them to reflect on their challenges, achievements and strengths.

It is very normal for young people to get caught up in their short comings and label themselves as a failure. They need to know that there is a big difference between failing and being a failure. Everyone fails. Everybody messes up and has regrets. However this does not mean you are a failure. As parents, saying something like “It is okay to fail and failing does not make you a failure” can help teens on their journey. Following it up with “How can you turn your challenge into success?” can help teens turn a negative situation into a positive. This leads me onto my next train of thought – goals.

Goals can be a daunting word for some and an encouraging word for others. I like to look at goals as thoughts to the mind of where I want to go. We all need goals. For teenagers, however, they can be even more important to help them shape a sense of what is important to them and what they value. If they don’t see a purpose for what they are doing, they often lose motivation and focus.

Actually, we all can feel this – what am I doing and where am I going. Young people today live in a world of great expectations, pressure, social conformity and need to please others. They are often not equipped to deal with such stresses and can sometimes feel overwhelmed by all their demands from others and those they place on themselves. Reflecting on their goals, challenges, achievements and successes and be one of the best things to help them move toward a new year.

So what can parents do to encourage their children/teens to reflect?:

1. Make it a conversation over the dinner table – If family members contribute toward the discussion on reflection for themselves then there is no singling out. If teens feel singling out there may be greater reluctance and willingness to take part in the activity.

2. Encourage the formation of goals – Goals need to be broken down into short term, medium and long term ambitions. By breaking them down into specific time frames we are able to focus on them a little more without feeling too overwhelmed. Why not make goal setting part of a regular family tradition where “checking in” every couple of months is routine…

3. Set an example – If your children see you reflecting on your challenges, successes and goals then they may be more likely to do so as well. Children are led by example, so have a think about what example you can set.

4. Maintain a sense of humour – Often we all can get caught up in the seriousness of success, goals, ambition and challenges without seeing the humour behind some of our mistakes and shortcomings. Encouraging your children to have a laugh every now and then can help them maintain a positive and realistic attitude. They need not be too serious with themselves all the time.

Reflecting on the past year should be seen as something valuable, exciting and challenging without it being a chore. Teens need to know the value in how personal reflection can aid them in their journey toward direction and success. Remember to encourage them to keep things in perspective and be realistic with themselves. Remember to help them realise that they need to make their own choices and be the decider of where they want to go, and not let others decide for them. 

About the author

Tahlia Mandie is a psychotherapist, family counsellor and mum who runs her own private practice, Direction Exploring and now runs her own blog, The Parenting Files - because families matter. Discussing all things parenting and family matters to the serious stuff to the not so serious stuff, the parenting files is spoken with a little witt, quirk and humour. Tahlia also writes regular columns and articles for magazines, newspapers and other online forums.

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