How to educate children without resorting to punishment

Numerous studies have shown it: punishment is ineffective. Not only do they cause emotional scars, but they have also proved useless for educational purposes.

 A child who is spanked or shouted angry, probably will stop behaving badly, but only out of fear and not because he has internalized what is right to do.

The pedagogist Daniele Novara explains in his latest book “Punishing is no use” that

children should not be terrified, but educated to grow well . And to do this it takes a good educational organization. 

 To build it, parents must take three steps back (points 1,2,3) and three steps forward (points 4,5,6):

 1. Do not scream or punish

 “The parent must realize that being angry and reacting on instinct are elements of weakness and weakness, they do not induce a sense of authority in their children, but only a sense of disorientation, and then affect the psychological level”.

 2. Keep the educational distance: the children will feel closer to you

 Too confidently risks breaking down the distinction of role and putting the parent in a position of little usefulness for growth. 

 Today parents spend much more time with their children than in the past and despite this they feel guilty, especially the working mothers. But being with them all weekend is more than enough. 

Parents must be parents, not playmates, nor lovers.

 “In fact, excessive confidence can also lead to exaggerated fussiness: from kisses on the mouth, to calling the child” love “, to make him sleep in the Latvian … All actions that lead to exchange the child for the partner. a case that divorces occur in greater numbers among couples with children “warns Novara, who adds: ” for a healthy family balance the parental couple must have its spaces, in which the children must never enter “.

 3. Do not talk to him too much

 Children must have clear and simple rules, so it is useless to make speeches, give an over-explanation. For example, it is right to say: “Before going to bed you have to brush your teeth, like mum and dad”, while it is useless to explain the importance of oral hygiene to prevent tooth decay. A speech of this kind would not be understandable.

“The child needs educational clarity, he trusts his parents, he does not need to be explained to him all the time why he has to do this.” The paradox of our days is that parents tend to talk to young children as if they were grown-ups. and at the same time they treat teenagers as if they were young children “. 

4. Team play
Mothers and fathers must share decisions about child rearing. Parents must establish together what the rules are. 

 “Often mothers do not trust fathers and tend to cut them off, but this is extremely detrimental to the growth of children”.

 The lack of agreement between two parents risks producing emotional tensions.

“The whims, in most cases are childish behavior that the child performs to induce the father and mother to agree”. 

 To improve the parental couple’s teamwork, we need to “reduce the words that are used with the children and increase the ones that address the other parent”.

To conclude: first parents must agree on important choices, and then communicate them to the child.

 But beware: only one of them must speak. If things are repeated by both, it seems that parents do not trust each other. If, on the other hand, communication makes it only one, it is clear that parents have already spoken about it before. 

This also applies to separate couples who must find common agreements on the main issues. 

 5. Give good rules

First of all we need to define what a rule is: the rule is an organizational procedure , for example: time to go to bed, wash hands before meals, how much TV to watch …

 It must therefore be understandable and precise, not to excessive explanations; must be appropriate to age; it does not have to be a command (like: eat, sleep! …); not a prohibition (prohibitions, eg: “that is not touched!” are important, but are good for young children, up to two, three years); it does not have to be an exhortation to convince someone: “I beg you”, “come on”.

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